


Suffocate

by Optional_Orders



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-15
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-19 11:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1468714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Optional_Orders/pseuds/Optional_Orders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes was never safe. Everywhere he went, pain followed. With voices in his head, he searches for one voice that could keep him alive and the truth on who exactly is to trust.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffocate

**Author's Note:**

> Second StevexBucky fic. I'm planning to keep writing more StevexBucky fanfics.  
> I love the idea wherein words attack a fictional character's mind. And since Bucky has gone through a lot of hell, I decided to break him further. 
> 
> Comments are highly accepted here.  
> So, enjoy!  
> -Orders

He couldn’t remain in one place. But he couldn’t move too much. Not doing anything made his mind work too much. Moving too much made his mind stop working, making him forget. Sometimes, they did the opposite.

Bucky Barnes walked around in circles in his apartment, muttering things he didn’t want to forget. But the words just flew out of his ears. He was wearing a dark green hoodie that covered his bionic arm and sweatpants. He was living in an apartment in Brooklyn. The soldier tried to isolate himself from the world. He didn’t want attention especially when you have a metal arm. But he couldn’t do so. Some former SHIELD agents lived by and kept a close watch on him.

Despite the fact that he stopped being the Winter Soldier, everything about him remained. The past was still there. The present made him fear the future. He feared the Winter Soldier’s return.

The Winter Soldier wanted to return. And he made sure that Bucky knew he was there.

His mind was buzzing as unwanted words flew in, scrambling and clashing against each other, destroying the things he needed. The words never left. The voices never stopped speaking. They remained. They filled his mind, not allowing important information to enter. Bucky Barnes felt like every second was his last. He was being smothered by words and voices. They were different voices. Some were heard before. And some were unrecognizable.

The words in his head were the words he didn’t want to remember. The voices were the voices he never wanted to hear. He wanted to forget them. He wanted them to disappear. For good. But some people just don’t understand

_“You are not Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes.”_ A voice screamed in his head. Bucky collapsed to the ground.

Barnes tried to fill his head with something significant. _I am Bucky Barnes. I’m from_ _Brooklyn_ _. I’m a sergeant. Three. Two. Five. Five. Seven._ He paused, trying to recall the next numbers. _Something._

_“Put him back in cryostasis.”_ He heard another voice say. Bucky started to tremble in fear.

“No. No. No.” He muttered as he hugged himself, pushing away nothing. “No. No. No. Please.” He repeatedly said those words as he shook his head. Bucky wasn’t safe. Even in his house.

Cryostasis. It kept him frozen. It kept him immortal. Cryostasis restrained him from everything. It restrained him from being human.

_“Wipe everything. Start over.”_ One voice ordered.

Bucky shook his head. He stood up and ran towards the nearest window. He opened it and inhaled the air. The voice spoke again. _“I don’t care if he’s been out for a long time. Wipe everything away!”_ He had a feeling that an arm was trying to pull him down. Bucky collapsed on the ground; holding on to the curtains like he was drowning and it was keeping him afloat.

_“You’re mission is to kill Fury and Steve Rogers.”_ One said. Somehow, for a second, he wanted to. They are threats.

“No.” Bucky spat. “Th-th-they’re good men. They aren’t threats, Bucky. Steve’s your friend. Fury was nice enough to take you in.”

_“STEVE ROGERS IS AN ENEMY. KILL THEM.”_ A voice screamed in its highest pitch. Bucky Barnes clasped his ears, thinking that it would block the noise. He writhed on the ground, kicking his legs in the air. Then he passed out, frozen and distraught.

It was a regular day in the Barnes Residence.

* * *

After an hour or so, Bucky woke up, feet numb and immobile. Sweat dripped from his forehead and down to his chin. Still on the floor, he stood up and went to the dining table like nothing happened. Yet Bucky’s eyes were hollow and filled with fear and trauma. He kept biting his lips. His hands quivered. He was out of balance as he walked.

He collapsed on a chair and sighed in relief. On the table were folders filled with paper. Written on the sheets of paper were files, information on his past, the Winter Soldier, HYDRA, and every person who was important to him. He read it everyday and tried to memorize the important details like birthdays, names, dates, and events. But whenever he did, he didn’t understand a single word.

Bucky took one of the folders. On the top was his name. He opened it. The first thing he saw a picture. It was him. He was smiling. His arm was draped around somebody’s shoulder. The boy next to him was blond. The two were wearing their army uniform. It took Bucky a long time to know who the person was until he realized that it was Steve.

Bucky cocked his head to one side. He attempted to remember what happened before the photo was taken. Yet nothing came except for one word. _Enemy._

He swallowed his saliva and closed the folder. He slid it towards the end of the table. “Steve Rogers.” He mumbled. “Friend.”

He had to contradict his thought whenever they lied. Bucky had to remind himself who the real threat was.

He knew it wasn’t Steve. It wasn’t SHIELD.

It was HYDRA.

Probably, he too was a threat.

Bucky groaned and laid his head on the table, banging it repeatedly. Hoping the unnecessary would leave his head, Bucky shouted in fury as pain entered his mind. The soldier started to suffocate.

_Not again. Just go away. Shut up. Shut up._ He prayed, closing his ears.

Clawing the table, the sergeant tapped his feet, trying to distract himself. Suddenly his phone rang across the room. Bucky rolled his eyes. “Why now?” He grumbled.

He pushed himself away from the table and walked towards the phone. He picked it up and placed it on speaker mode. “Hello?” He said sternly.

“Bucky?” Somebody said.

He recognized who the person was. “Yes, Steve? What is it that you want?” Bucky didn’t know whether he was relieved to hear his voice or he was annoyed that Steve called in the wrong time.

“I just want to check if you’re okay. And I was wondering, do you want to go to the jazz bar tonight?”

The sergeant frowned. “I’m fine.” Bucky laughed. "Sure. I'll go with you."

“No, you aren’t fine.” Steve contradicted.

“I’m fine, Steve.” Bucky pretended to yawn. “I was just about to go to bed. I want to be energized before I go to a bar.”

Steve chuckled through the phone. “You’re lying, Bucky.”

Bucky nodded. “Well, maybe I am.”

Bucky's eyes widened with fear. He suddenly dropped the phone and collapsed on the ground. Picking the phone up, he crawled towards a wall and leaned on it. Bucky hugged himself and rocked back and forth. He held his head and bit his lip.

“Bucky?” Steve worried. “Bucky? Are you there? Are you okay?”

Bucky didn’t reply. His head was too focused on trying to dispel the fear and pain. _You are a soldier, Bucky. You have fought in a war. It’s time to fight your own._ But Bucky couldn’t obey his thoughts. He was frozen. He was suffocating. The words and his mind were trying to destroy him. Bucky gasped for air. He clenched his fist. He shouted in pain and stomped his legs on the cold floor.

“Bucky?”

Bucky shouted. “Leave me be!”

“Bucky, it’s just me. It’s me. It’s Steve.”

His eyes widened. He leaned towards the phone. “St-St-Steve?” He breathed.

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Steve.” Bucky smiled. He closed his eyes and leaned on the wall. “Steve Rogers.” He reminded himself. “Friend not threat.”

There was a faint laugh that came out of the Captain’s mouth. “Yes, Bucky. I’m your friend.”

Bucky smiled. It was comforting to hear Steve's voice. He crossed his legs. He didn't speak. Steve was still on the phone. After a while, he spoke up. “Hey, Steve, what was my life like before?”

So Steve started to explain Bucky’s past. He made it detailed. Bucky started to paint a picture in his head. He started to relive the past. He started to breathe easier. Bucky Barnes was drifting down a river in peace.

The unknown voices in his head disappeared. Bucky could now laugh without faltering. Nothing was trying to suffocate him as Steve talked to him for hours.

All he needed now was two voices to keep him breathing steadily. His laughter and his friend’s voice did the job well.

Steve finally finished the story. “And that is how you fell out of the train and down the mountain in the cold.” He ended. “So, everything’s alright now, Bucky?”

Bucky nodded. His eyes were closed. “Yes. Thanks, pal.”

“No problem. Just give me a ring when you want to learn more.” Steve paused. “See you tonight at the jazz bar?”

“You’ll see me there for sure. I’ll be there dancing with a girl. I’ll just make sure my moves are still okay for this era. But of course, I’ll be waiting for you. See you.” Bucky said. The call ended.

Bucky Barnes stood up and walked to the table while he whistled a simple tune. "My name is Bucky Barnes. I'm from Brooklyn.  I fought in the war. I was a sergeant. I am no threat. And Steve Rogers is my friend." He said to himself. He brought out a pen and took the folder with the information about him. Bucky found a blank piece of paper. He scribbled something on the top.

**_The life of Sergeant James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes according to his best friend, Steve Rogers_ **

He took a deep breath. And he started to write whatever he could remember. Bucky Barnes remembered everything. He understood every word.

No voice disturbed him ever again.


End file.
